Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:10.891 --> 00:00:14.435
Hey, welcome back to another episode of let's Just Talk About it podcast.
00:00:14.435 --> 00:00:23.760
I'm your host, chuck, and if you're here for the first time, this platform was created to give genuine people just like you an opportunity to share a portion of your life's journey.
00:00:23.760 --> 00:00:35.792
So, with that being said, on this episode, I have Chane Hamlin on with me today here to talk about the reality of grief when we lose a loved one, something we really don't want to talk about, but it's a real thing.
00:00:35.792 --> 00:00:38.165
So, hey, you don't want to miss this conversation.
00:00:38.165 --> 00:00:49.914
As a matter of fact, do me a favor go and grab your husband, your wife, your children, or even call a friend and gather around to listen to my conversation with Chanel Hamlin on let's Just Talk About it podcast.
00:00:49.914 --> 00:00:51.305
Hey, let's jump right in.
00:00:51.305 --> 00:01:11.296
Thank you so much for always tuning in to let's Just Talk About it podcast, a podcast geared toward giving genuine people an opportunity to share a portion of their life journey.
00:01:11.296 --> 00:01:15.250
So today we have Scharnelle Hamlin on with us today.
00:01:15.269 --> 00:01:16.171
How's it going, chanel?
00:01:16.171 --> 00:01:17.864
It's going well.
00:01:17.864 --> 00:01:18.367
How are you?
00:01:18.367 --> 00:01:19.221
Doing good?
00:01:19.221 --> 00:01:19.825
Doing good.
00:01:19.825 --> 00:01:20.587
I appreciate you.
00:01:21.359 --> 00:01:22.581
Thank you for having me Absolutely.
00:01:22.661 --> 00:01:23.021
Appreciate you.
00:01:23.021 --> 00:01:24.141
Thank you for having me Absolutely, Scharnelle.
00:01:24.141 --> 00:01:33.750
I love to jump right into my interviews to have those genuine conversations with genuine people just like yourself, and I love to start off with this question when are you from?
00:01:35.072 --> 00:01:40.855
I am from a rural small town in the Tidewater area called Surry County, Virginia.
00:01:40.855 --> 00:01:41.697
Ever heard of Saree?
00:01:44.379 --> 00:01:45.433
Yeah, but I did not know it was in the Tidewater area.
00:01:45.453 --> 00:01:47.367
Yes, we are part of the 757.
00:01:47.388 --> 00:01:51.207
Okay, you're educating because I did not know.
00:01:52.501 --> 00:01:58.361
But if you blink, you will miss it, so where is that located at?
00:01:58.361 --> 00:01:59.968
I'm about 20.
00:01:59.968 --> 00:02:04.153
One thing I like about Sari is that I'm in the middle of everything, so in an hour I can get to Richmond.
00:02:04.153 --> 00:02:07.968
I can get to Richmond, I can get to Hampton, newport News, chesapeake.
00:02:07.968 --> 00:02:12.191
So I'm about 30 minutes from Allaway County, smithfield, virginia.
00:02:12.191 --> 00:02:14.343
Yeah, not too far from there.
00:02:14.485 --> 00:02:15.649
Okay, you educated me.
00:02:15.649 --> 00:02:16.465
I did not know.
00:02:16.465 --> 00:02:18.900
Surry was a part of the 757.
00:02:18.900 --> 00:02:20.343
Shout out to.
00:02:20.343 --> 00:02:21.366
Siri County.
00:02:21.889 --> 00:02:24.186
Yes, put us on the map.
00:02:26.040 --> 00:02:27.949
So how was it for you growing up in the area?
00:02:29.199 --> 00:02:36.014
Well, ceri is very, very small, but we are such community focused, and we have a slogan Surry is something special.
00:02:36.014 --> 00:02:39.987
So we always look out for each other, and that's the one thing I like about it.
00:02:39.987 --> 00:02:42.849
You know, I have a rooster that still wakes me up in the morning.
00:02:42.849 --> 00:02:51.550
Really, we don't have the luxuries that the big cities have, but it's just the connectedness and the family-ness that I love about it.
00:02:51.550 --> 00:02:53.525
So I played sports a lot here.
00:02:53.525 --> 00:02:55.431
Okay, what did you?
00:02:55.471 --> 00:02:55.651
play.
00:02:56.539 --> 00:03:00.288
I played softball, I ran track, I played volleyball, played basketball.
00:03:00.288 --> 00:03:01.525
That wasn't for me.
00:03:01.525 --> 00:03:03.247
It was a little too enduring.
00:03:03.247 --> 00:03:12.268
So I stuck with softball and volleyball, so you're very outgoing, I would consider myself an outgoing person.
00:03:12.288 --> 00:03:14.491
Got you, got you, got you, wow.
00:03:14.491 --> 00:03:20.223
So back in April, chanel, I lost my brother-in-law.
00:03:20.223 --> 00:03:33.289
I know you said don't say lost, but I lost my brother-in-law um from a heart attack, and I was trying to hear that yeah, thank you, and my, my sister and my niece.
00:03:33.751 --> 00:03:36.241
It took it hard because it was like unexpected.
00:03:36.241 --> 00:03:37.463
It was unexpected.
00:03:37.463 --> 00:03:44.485
So, me being the brother, I wanted to reach out to somebody who could relate or share something with them.
00:03:44.485 --> 00:03:48.923
You know, that could kind of get them through that moment, and this was back in April.
00:03:48.923 --> 00:03:59.973
So I reached out to you and I guess you didn't check your messages, but you finally checked your messages and saw my you know my message wanting to talk to you.
00:03:59.973 --> 00:04:02.368
So you reached out to me and I really appreciate you.
00:04:02.368 --> 00:04:13.474
So here we are now and your title is although he didn't die from homicide, but your title is a homicide support group coordinator.
00:04:13.474 --> 00:04:14.575
What is that all about?
00:04:15.760 --> 00:04:22.134
So, basically what I do, I facilitate group therapy for anyone who's lost loved ones to the homicide.
00:04:22.134 --> 00:04:32.949
Our primary focus is gun violence, but there are people in our groups that have their loved ones were taken through strangulation, gun violence, stabbing and various methods.
00:04:32.949 --> 00:04:42.250
However, when you said that you had lost your brother from a heart attack, in that aspect saying loss is appropriate.
00:04:42.250 --> 00:04:49.406
We try not to say loss when it comes to homicide, because loss we know where they are, they were taken from us.
00:04:49.406 --> 00:04:56.865
So by you saying your brother you know he succumbed to a heart attack, we use loss.
00:04:56.865 --> 00:05:04.860
You know we will say sorry for your loss because you did lose someone due to medical and natural causes and things of that nature.
00:05:04.860 --> 00:05:09.826
But the one thing that they share in common is that grief has no expiration date.
00:05:09.826 --> 00:05:18.555
So regardless of how that loss or them being taken took place, it still are the same emotions that we feel.
00:05:18.795 --> 00:05:23.262
We all know that we have an appointed time, we just don't know when it is.
00:05:23.262 --> 00:05:29.829
That doesn't mean that any method is going to make us deal with it easier, Like I'll give you an example my grandmother.
00:05:29.829 --> 00:05:36.771
She died on her birthday, her 96th birthday, and although she was old and she lived a prosperous life.
00:05:36.771 --> 00:05:40.603
It still hit me like a ton of bricks because I'm used to having her here.
00:05:40.603 --> 00:05:47.923
I came up where all of my I I knew my grandparents, I knew my great-grandparents and so did my children.
00:05:47.923 --> 00:05:56.586
So to lose someone and that's very rare yeah, for your children to know their great-grandparents or their great-great-grandparents.
00:05:56.586 --> 00:06:02.283
So the thing that connects us both is that grief has no expiration date.
00:06:02.283 --> 00:06:07.091
It doesn't matter how happens, it still affects us in the same way.
00:06:08.093 --> 00:06:08.314
Wow.
00:06:08.314 --> 00:06:12.271
So on a day-to-day basis, what do you do?
00:06:12.271 --> 00:06:15.187
You wait for phone calls or you just?
00:06:15.187 --> 00:06:16.011
How does that work?
00:06:17.300 --> 00:06:22.213
So I work very closely with the victim witness assistant programs in the state of Virginia.
00:06:22.213 --> 00:06:24.238
I don't just cover the 757.
00:06:24.238 --> 00:06:31.151
My organization, which is the Virginia Victim Assistance Network, we assist any crime victim.
00:06:31.151 --> 00:06:33.221
My division is just homicide.
00:06:33.221 --> 00:06:40.562
So homicides that come from Northern Virginia, suffolk, chesapeake, sary, it does not matter, I assist them.
00:06:41.064 --> 00:06:44.610
And so all of our groups are led by clinicians.
00:06:44.610 --> 00:06:56.589
They are licensed therapists, counselors, social workers, so they're actually getting free clinical counseling, which is major because it's very expensive even with insurance.
00:06:56.589 --> 00:06:58.997
Sometimes insurance gives you a cap.
00:06:58.997 --> 00:07:00.923
You can only have this amount of sessions.
00:07:00.923 --> 00:07:04.910
So we give them these sessions free of charge.
00:07:04.910 --> 00:07:07.514
We offer virtual and in person.
00:07:07.514 --> 00:07:09.865
We try to make it as convenient as possible.
00:07:09.865 --> 00:07:13.759
Some people have transportation issues and that's a lot.
00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:19.492
When you get to Cedar County we don't have buses or trains or Ubers or anything like that.
00:07:19.492 --> 00:07:28.670
But more times than not someone has a smartphone or some type of device where they can access these services right from the convenience of their home.
00:07:28.670 --> 00:07:40.869
So they don't have to worry about childcare, they don't have to worry about gas, and that is very, very important to me, because a lot of people suffer in silence and they are afraid to say I don't have a car to get there.
00:07:40.908 --> 00:07:45.425
But I know that I need it because I've been dealing with this and just thinking of your sister.
00:07:45.425 --> 00:07:53.125
You got to realize somebody that she was used to having in her circle in her life it's just gone, no notice.
00:07:53.125 --> 00:07:55.850
No, you know, it just happened.
00:07:55.850 --> 00:08:02.365
Heart attacks hit you just like at a drop of a hat and half of the times they were perfectly fine.
00:08:02.365 --> 00:08:11.276
They were perfectly fine and then all of a sudden, your life changes, and so that's why I try to tell people there is no more normal for you.
00:08:11.276 --> 00:08:15.851
I really don't like when people say, oh, this is the new normal.
00:08:15.851 --> 00:08:18.927
No, normal is when I had my right.
00:08:18.927 --> 00:08:21.533
Normal is when I had my spouse.
00:08:21.533 --> 00:08:23.103
I don't have him now.
00:08:23.103 --> 00:08:25.651
So there is no more normal for me.
00:08:25.651 --> 00:08:33.671
I'm creating a new narrative without him and it's hard, it's hard.
00:08:33.671 --> 00:08:36.187
I tell people all the time.
00:08:36.187 --> 00:08:44.909
The realization that your loved one is gone hits so much different, because what you once knew is no longer.
00:08:44.909 --> 00:08:49.004
Yeah, yeah, you have to navigate a whole different path.
00:08:49.024 --> 00:08:57.201
Right right, create a new way of of living without that person being there absolutely, wow, absolutely.
00:08:58.280 --> 00:09:04.562
and even me, doing this work, I can teach people all the time methods to cope.
00:09:04.562 --> 00:09:06.624
You never get over a loss.
00:09:06.624 --> 00:09:08.625
I don't care how the loss happened.
00:09:08.625 --> 00:09:09.846
You never get over that.
00:09:09.846 --> 00:09:16.687
We just learn to cope with it and sometimes it's a little bit more bearable, but that pain is still gut-wrenching.
00:09:16.687 --> 00:09:24.431
There are things and days about when my loved ones were taken that make me feel like it just happened.
00:09:24.431 --> 00:09:28.513
We're talking about 12 years and two years ago.
00:09:29.413 --> 00:09:36.076
So there's like like, when you talk about that, it's like triggers, like things that make you remember the smell, the sound, the music.
00:09:36.916 --> 00:09:42.077
You got it, wow, or say cliches that my loved ones used to say.
00:09:42.077 --> 00:09:46.621
You know, sometimes I'll hear that and automatically I don't know that.
00:09:46.621 --> 00:09:51.283
I have to excuse myself out of that situation, because I used to be afraid to cry in front of people why is that?
00:09:51.283 --> 00:09:57.001
Because I was brought up in a society where crying was a sign of weakness, and it's not.
00:09:57.802 --> 00:10:03.533
Crying is a sign of strength right and in the black and brown communities we were.
00:10:03.533 --> 00:10:06.009
Well, I'm not going to say we, I'm going to say me.
00:10:06.009 --> 00:10:07.424
I was raised where.
00:10:07.424 --> 00:10:07.666
You know.
00:10:07.666 --> 00:10:12.849
What goes on in my house stays in this house and that's why I tell people silence is violence.
00:10:12.849 --> 00:10:19.350
There's no reason for me to be hurting in my home dealing with emotions and tears that God gave me.
00:10:19.350 --> 00:10:22.008
If he didn't want me to have tears, he wouldn't give them to me.
00:10:22.067 --> 00:10:30.201
Right, right, if he, he didn't want me to have tears.
00:10:30.221 --> 00:10:32.347
He wouldn't give them to me, right, right, if he didn't want me to feel anger and resentment and guilt.
00:10:32.347 --> 00:10:37.481
These were emotions that he would not have have given, absolutely, because what happens when little boys are dealt with, or little boys or little girls are faced with things like death?
00:10:37.481 --> 00:10:39.846
They are afraid to express their emotions.
00:10:39.846 --> 00:10:42.613
Why, why?
00:10:44.764 --> 00:10:49.173
see, we've been taught not to say anything, to be silent and hold our emotions in.
00:10:49.173 --> 00:10:54.469
But when you get to that place where you can't take it anymore, those emotions come out sideways.
00:10:54.469 --> 00:10:58.615
Where you start, you know, acting out because of the pain on the inside.
00:10:59.360 --> 00:11:10.039
So where they're going to go yeah if I'm taught to bottle everything in when it's time for me to let them out and explode, more times than not I'm gonna take it out on somebody that's innocent.
00:11:10.039 --> 00:11:12.384
That was just there.
00:11:12.384 --> 00:11:12.985
That's a fact.
00:11:12.985 --> 00:11:16.370
Yeah, all because I was taught that.
00:11:16.370 --> 00:11:24.447
Hey, talk to me, and sometimes you know it's difficult to talk to the ones that may even be causing it, or the ones If you're telling me.
00:11:24.447 --> 00:11:30.195
You know I understand that this loss is hurting you, but you know it's time to move on.
00:11:30.195 --> 00:11:30.716
Why?
00:11:30.716 --> 00:11:35.768
Why is it time to move on when I haven't dealt with the loss?
00:11:36.931 --> 00:11:37.753
That's deep man.
00:11:37.840 --> 00:11:46.270
You said grief has no expiration date, so it's like it's ongoing, it does not have an expiration date.
00:11:46.633 --> 00:12:07.966
and I tell people, I teach people in our groups when I sit in because sometimes I sit in as the facilitator, sometimes I sit in as a victim, because I am a survivor of a homicide, of two homicide victims, and I tell people all the time you have to learn how to give yourself grace, you have to extend grace to yourself and sometimes you just have to say no.
00:12:07.966 --> 00:12:09.749
No is a complete sentence.
00:12:09.990 --> 00:12:11.258
Right, what do you mean?
00:12:11.278 --> 00:12:13.126
when you say it does not require an explanation.
00:12:13.340 --> 00:12:16.070
What do you mean when you say extend grace to yourself, talk about that.
00:12:16.070 --> 00:12:19.765
You never know who's listening and they want to understand when I say extend grace to yourself.
00:12:19.806 --> 00:12:28.567
Sometimes we force ourselves to accept things or feel that we need to be further along in our grief journey than we are, and it's not.
00:12:28.567 --> 00:12:32.274
People will say to me wow, you know, travis has been gone.
00:12:32.274 --> 00:12:33.864
That was my cousin who was taken.
00:12:33.864 --> 00:12:37.091
He's been gone 12 years and you know, I still see you.
00:12:37.091 --> 00:12:38.724
You know you still talk about him.
00:12:38.724 --> 00:12:44.849
I said, because he lives every day in my heart, why would I stop saying his name, why would I stop talking about him?
00:12:44.849 --> 00:12:48.344
That's how I keep his legacy alive.
00:12:48.344 --> 00:12:51.932
I talk about him as if he is still here with me Right, right, right.
00:12:52.153 --> 00:12:54.043
So it's good to keep talking about the individual.
00:12:54.245 --> 00:12:54.905
Absolutely.
00:12:54.966 --> 00:12:55.246
Wow.
00:12:55.508 --> 00:12:56.149
Now, I get it.
00:12:56.149 --> 00:12:59.485
Sometimes when you talk about them, it's going to bring those emotions.
00:12:59.485 --> 00:13:01.660
But not all emotions are going to be sad.
00:13:01.660 --> 00:13:03.645
Sometimes you're going to remember the great times.
00:13:03.645 --> 00:13:15.272
When it comes to your sister, she should celebrate, whether it's his favorite food or favorite places, that they used to be, anything that used to bring a sense of smile and joy to her life.
00:13:15.272 --> 00:13:21.945
Those are the things that you want to keep near, because that's how you keep them near, and I get it.
00:13:21.945 --> 00:13:27.631
It's going to be painful, but the more that you do something sometimes, the more bearable it becomes.
00:13:27.860 --> 00:13:29.647
Right, right, right right, wow.
00:13:29.647 --> 00:13:43.312
So, with the holidays approaching, how can a person you know become proactive, I guess, before they get here, or you'll never be in a place where you're strong enough.
00:13:43.312 --> 00:13:50.447
Sometimes it's just you're just going to still go through those emotions, no matter what the season or holiday or whatever it may be.
00:13:51.650 --> 00:13:52.192
And you know what?
00:13:52.192 --> 00:13:59.589
I'm glad you said that, because I have a poem that I wrote and the poem title is called it's Okay Not To Be Okay.
00:14:00.250 --> 00:14:00.772
I like that.
00:14:02.301 --> 00:14:05.149
It is perfectly fine to have bad days.
00:14:05.149 --> 00:14:07.124
There's no one out here walking.
00:14:07.124 --> 00:14:10.409
Whether it's death or not, that does not have a bad day.
00:14:10.429 --> 00:14:11.953
That's good, chanel, I like that.
00:14:13.280 --> 00:14:22.654
You know we celebrate the good days, but it's like when we have a bad day, we have to find ways to tell people well, you know I'm having a bad day, but you know I'm going to be all right.
00:14:22.654 --> 00:14:24.302
No, I'm not.
00:14:24.302 --> 00:14:27.311
I'm not going to be all right today, because I'm dealing with some things.
00:14:27.311 --> 00:14:28.222
But you know what?
00:14:28.222 --> 00:14:28.986
I am going to do.
00:14:28.986 --> 00:14:33.890
I'm going to face it head on so that it doesn't eat away at me.
00:14:35.341 --> 00:14:36.565
To that own self be true.
00:14:37.788 --> 00:14:38.700
Absolutely so.
00:14:38.700 --> 00:14:40.442
During the holidays I try to.
00:14:40.442 --> 00:14:47.115
I always say you know, what works for me may not work for you, but I want to give you things to put in your toolbox.
00:14:47.115 --> 00:14:48.946
That's something that I say.
00:14:48.946 --> 00:14:50.765
Or do you know how we get in church?
00:14:50.765 --> 00:14:54.250
I hope it's something that I said, that I do, that make you want to get closer.
00:14:54.250 --> 00:15:01.263
I hope that I give them something in their toolbox that they say you know what I remember?
00:15:01.263 --> 00:15:28.504
Chanel said to create a ritual, no-transcript, or you know, it's about regaining a sense of control of your life by maintaining that structure and having a routine.
00:15:28.504 --> 00:15:35.183
Again, when you lose a loved one, you lose a part of your heart, you lose a part of your soul and that is a void that is never.
00:15:35.183 --> 00:15:38.913
I don't care what you do, Nobody can ever fill that void.
00:15:38.913 --> 00:15:46.214
But what you can do is continue to make great memories so that you focus on the love and not the loss.
00:15:46.214 --> 00:15:50.331
I tell people all the time let's celebrate the life and not mourn the death.
00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:52.706
Those moments that you had with them.
00:15:53.500 --> 00:15:55.147
Nobody can ever take that away from you.
00:15:55.147 --> 00:16:06.370
And I'm trying to say, and I hope I don't get it wrong, but I used to see something I think it says something like death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves memories that no one can steal.
00:16:06.571 --> 00:16:07.673
I love that yeah.
00:16:08.313 --> 00:16:12.583
And that's true when it comes to my homicide victims.
00:16:12.583 --> 00:16:21.727
When I'm talking to a mother and I'm telling you, the hardest conversation to ever have is a mother who's lost her only child, for instance I ask them how old was your baby?
00:16:21.727 --> 00:16:23.285
And they'll say 20 or 21.
00:16:23.285 --> 00:16:26.639
For instance, I asked them how old was your baby, and they'll say 20 or 21.
00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:37.583
I said I want you to focus on the 20 years of life that your son or your daughter gave you and not focus on the one day that was the worst day of your life.
00:16:37.583 --> 00:16:41.928
They meant more to you in those 20 years than they did that night that they were taken.
00:16:41.928 --> 00:16:54.585
So I want you to focus on those 20 years of love, laughter, smiles, joy, because if you focus on that one day that you lost them, that they were taken from you, it's going to consume.
00:16:54.585 --> 00:16:59.990
You Honor them by remembering them in a great light.
00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:03.249
I had a mother whose son was taken right in front of her.
00:17:03.249 --> 00:17:04.948
How do you ever get over that?
00:17:04.948 --> 00:17:05.229
You don't Wow.
00:17:05.229 --> 00:17:06.093
You ever get over that?
00:17:06.093 --> 00:17:07.539
Yeah, you don't Wow.
00:17:07.539 --> 00:17:09.667
You learn to cope with the loss.
00:17:10.759 --> 00:17:11.846
You see this all the time.
00:17:12.942 --> 00:17:16.907
All the time, all the time.
00:17:16.907 --> 00:17:20.747
My phone, I get notifications every.
00:17:20.747 --> 00:17:23.673
It seems like to me every 30 to 45 seconds.
00:17:23.673 --> 00:17:26.568
The gun memorial in Virginia is going off.
00:17:26.568 --> 00:17:28.002
I'm getting a new notification.
00:17:28.002 --> 00:17:28.625
What is that?
00:17:28.625 --> 00:17:31.251
Another angel has been added to that page.
00:17:32.561 --> 00:17:33.464
The gun memorial.
00:17:33.464 --> 00:17:33.886
What is that?
00:17:35.340 --> 00:17:36.202
So is the Virginia.
00:17:36.202 --> 00:17:49.535
They have a national gun memorial of all victims that were taken due to gun violence, but they have one specific for your state, so you can look up any state and you can see the person's name.
00:17:49.535 --> 00:17:50.821
Sometimes they have pictures.
00:17:50.821 --> 00:17:56.273
They'll have the news article and any family member can put a picture up there.
00:17:56.273 --> 00:17:59.666
And my phone goes off constantly.
00:17:59.787 --> 00:18:01.250
Wow, somebody else added Wow.
00:18:02.232 --> 00:18:03.154
Somebody else added.
00:18:03.154 --> 00:18:18.317
Somebody else has added Another parent or another spouse, another child is bearing, a friend, a brother, a sister, a son, and it's disheartening that people just don't value people's lives.
00:18:18.317 --> 00:18:22.661
Yeah, it doesn't Wow.
00:18:22.661 --> 00:18:26.571
But then when you have someone like your brother-in-law, that just is fine.
00:18:26.571 --> 00:18:32.852
You see this person and they're okay, and then you get that dreadful phone call that they're no longer here.
