The player is loading ...
Sign up to get updates from us
Growing up as a preacher's kid in Pomona, California, Tamara Marie Perry Vance had a sheltered childhood, but her journey to self-discovery and healing truly began when she left home for college. We sit down with Tamara for an inspiring conversation about navigating the challenges of living in the black culture and church where mental illness and depression are rarely discussed, and how she overcame addiction, pain, and found self-acceptance.
Tamara shares her transformation from her struggles with alcohol and finding validation to embracing therapy, vulnerability, and the power of mindset. We discuss her work as a recovery coach in a correctional facility and her passion for motivating others on social media platforms. Tamara reminds us that happiness is not tied to money and that therapy plays a crucial role in breaking free from depression and anxiety. Listen in as she offers valuable insight and encouragement on overcoming addiction and finding happiness.
Welcome back to another episode of Let's Just Talk About It podcast. I'm your host, chuck, and if you're here for the first time, this platform was created to give genuine people just like you an opportunity to share a portion of your life's journey. So, with that being said, i'm excited to have special guests Tamara Marie Perry Vance, from Pomona, california, when she shares her journey growing up as a PK and also what it was like when she finally left home for college. But today she's using what she's experienced in life as fuel to help others find happiness on their journey. So, hey, without further delay, go and grab your husband, your wife, your children, or even call a friend to listen into my conversation with Tamara on Let's Just Talk About It podcast. Hey, let's jump right in. Welcome to another episode Today. I have Tamara Perry on with me today, so I appreciate you so much for being on, tamara.
Speaker 2:Thank you and I appreciate you for the invitation, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I love to have those genuine conversations with genuine people just like yourself, to have those genuine conversations about life, and so everybody, i believe, has their own journey, tamara, in life. So, first of all, where are you from?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I am from the Los Angeles area. the last city in Los Angeles County, Pomona, California.
Speaker 1:Pomona. wow, So how was it for you?
Speaker 2:growing up in Pomona. For me, growing up in Pomona number one is I am a preacher's kid, so it was six to seven days a week of church. got in Christ church and it was an experience because I didn't know anything else. So also growing up I became accustomed to being in different quieters groups, being active, because I was always outspoken and if I wasn't, i was gonna be in activities, because that's what the pastor of kids did, got you, so you never know who's listening Somebody might be a pastor's kid out there.
Speaker 1:So you really never got to experience life outside of church growing up.
Speaker 2:No, not until I turned the age of 18 and went off to college, went to an HBCU school. Southern University yeah, baby Jaguar. Okay, southern Rural's Louisiana Got you.
Speaker 1:And that's when life changed, got you. How was that? What you mean when you say that You went off to college? you left home, so now you're free.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about it Woo, let's talk about it You never know who's listening, who's about to go to college?
Speaker 1:you just graduated, So let's talk about it. How was your experience growing?
Speaker 2:My experience with the exposure was the infant California. There are no HBCUs. So number one, my experience being around a bunch of black folks instead of just black, hispanic and white oh my gosh, it was so great. But at the same time I'm free and I don't have this thing about oh, i have to do this for church, or I have to do this for the opportunity, or where am.
Speaker 1:I gonna go on.
Speaker 2:Sunday I'm free. Free and there's free freeness. I didn't know how to deal with it.
Speaker 1:Got you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the experience was scary, but, being a bold person, it was like let me put myself out there Now. did I make mistakes? Yes, but did I learn from my mistakes? Yeah yeah, yeah. And then that's when other things happen. As life went on, got you, and so, growing up in church and then going out and going to college, i noticed that I was masking myself and COVID happened, oh Lord. So we know about masks. But before COVID happened, tamara happened. So I was masking that I had a lot of trauma. I was masking that my mom died at five and I never took care of that. I was masking that, oh my gosh. I tried other things. Is it gonna work for me? Is the club gonna work for me? Is trying drinks, or they tell me I need to try this or different things, like back then, it wasn't the perks that's out now or the opiates that's out now, but it was marijuana and I thought Lord. I'm going to hell. But yeah, but it was. do I do it or do I not do it? or do I satisfy for validation? Because back then that's what I needed. That's what I needed to make me happy The validation, and it'd be a people pleaser. and it was putting me into a pit And I didn't notice the pit that I was going. So my grandfather died It was the second year of me being in college died of prostate cancer. So I moved back home because, of course, the finances and different things that you need wasn't in place anymore. And so when I moved back, i became the caregiver to my grandmother And I can see myself smothering because I wanted to live the young life. but I can see myself still wanting to be that caretaker, still wanting to be that help, still wanting to be that superpower and still wanting to be that people pleaser. And so I was so much into people pleasing that I went into a dark place that I would be happy. then I would be into a sadness that I couldn't get out of myself. And in the black culture we don't talk about mental illness. In the black culture we don't talk about depression. In the black culture we don't talk about, oh, anxiety. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I panting? And then, in the black church, because you're a pastor's kid, because you're a part of leadership, i need you to smile, be quiet, sit in the front row and not talk about it. And then the drinking started. I didn't know that I was masking everything and put myself to drinking to go to sleep.
Speaker 1:How did you find that out, though? How did you find out you was masking?
Speaker 2:Let's say I opened up to self. I will say, at one time I hated God and I hated myself because of that black pit, and so what I had to do was I had to tell my dog on self the truth. And if you tell yourself the truth, the first person that you don't wanna hear from is yourself. And I say there's three people that you don't like It's me, myself and I. When you start to heal and tell yourself the truth Now, this took almost a 20 year journey And took for me, for this 20 year journey was crazy, but it is who I am And I do not deprive myself from my past. So when I turned 43, i started to learn about me, i started to accept me, i started to love on me because I thought that going to church and just praying to God was not about me, it was only about him. And when I started to put God first and me first and getting that mirror and say I love me, that's when the happiness journey started. That's when I can help myself. That's when I can serve to other people. That's when I can talk to you and be transparent and say, hey, i had to put that bottle down, go, get myself together and say, hey, you're gonna be happy, you're going to find a way. And then I found this out. Talk about it. I found a church. I found this out through therapy. I find this out through going to the Tony Robbins and the Lisa Nichols and the different experiences with church, but outside of church, and I had to humble myself and I had to learn about people outside of the church instead of judging. And when I started doing that, i had the aha moment And I accepted that no more drink, no more put myself down, teaching self love, saying Tamara, you can make it. Tamara, you got this girl. And doing it in the mirror every day and generally waking up at 2.45, three o'clock in the morning, praying and slaying and saying I can do it all. I can do all things. I am greater than I am this powerful she-ro. And when I did that, i started attracting great things. I started attracting great people. I started talking to great people without putting myself down, without that insecurity, and I started loving from within not without, because you can do everything without, you can have the great plastic surgeries and I don't down back But I started loving myself so much that my emotional eating past, my love for alcohol past and my love for being the yes person past substantially to where I'm, that great hero today.
Speaker 1:Got you. So let me ask you this You never know who's listening or who's in that dark place that you were in. So you mentioned that you felt like you hated God because you was in that depressive state. So what did that feel like to you? Speak to that, because, again, you never know who's listening.
Speaker 2:I felt like he made a mistake. I am the middle child. I have two sisters and a brother. I'm the middle child, not that I felt like I was a black sheep. I felt like I was comparing myself to my sisters. They're beautiful, i'm not. They're this, i'm not. Whatever accomplishment or accolades they had even though I have a master's and a master's degree, have been into the Air Force I was still comparing myself to them and I was comparing myself to anybody that would get accolades, and I could never give myself my own thought or my own expression. So I had to get in my own way, and that's why it's the journey.
Speaker 1:So you felt like you had to prove yourself.
Speaker 2:I had to prove myself every single day, which caused more frustration Because I wasn't me, i was more of someone else, and then, when I was at that place of hating God so much, i couldn't clear the path of who I needed to be. Wow, and so this is why it's a journey, and I will tell everyone, now that I'm 48, i will tell someone that's growing up or maybe going to college, or maybe not understanding who they are and maybe not knowing who they need to be and saying their truth. Number one is you can hate God because he made it the greatest person in the world, and that's you. That's you, and I always say you versus you. If you just say me versus me, then you will learn how to say no and have boundaries. If you say me versus me, then you won't scroll through social media comparing. If you say me versus me, you're able to give a compliment Right, and that the greatest gift in the world is edifying others. Wow.
Speaker 1:So, tamara, this is my signature question. I love to ask this question. If you could go back to the younger young lady, tamara, to encourage her or prepare her for right now, what would you say to her?
Speaker 2:Number one. I wouldn't go back because she doesn't need to know that She needs to go through that journey to get to this beautiful person that she is. That Got you. So you would tell her nothing. I wouldn't tell her nothing. I need her to go through everything she went through to be this beautiful person. It was painful, though, you know, going through Oh yeah, and the pain made it a gift. The pain made me great. The pain makes me go. When I don't want to stop, i think about the pain And then I keep going. Got you. The pain is what made me. The pain is what helps me to help someone to this day, someone that needs this. You're gonna go through pain, or you might be going through pain, but, baby, when you make it out, it's gonna be great. So start right now Smellin. Start right now being happy. Don't wait on no money. Come on now.
Speaker 1:I know man.
Speaker 2:Don't wait on no money, don't wait on no finances. Be happy now and then it'll come. See, i was waiting for everything And I tell you now that I live with people that got, like my granddaddy, say, $2, they aren't happy.
Speaker 1:And I said, wow, so money don't make you happy.
Speaker 2:Uh-uh, not at all, not at all, but it does help. Now money answered all things and it helped, but it does not, absolutely not, make you happy. So start with you right then and there right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, amazing. We hear a lot about depression today, you mentioned. We hear a lot about anxiety today.
Speaker 2:Uh-uh.
Speaker 1:Speak about that. You say you have a therapist. Speak about that depression or anxiety.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, in our culture and I will say the African American community and I'm not being biased, but that's the only culture I know is that we don't think about therapy, being in church and therapy. You better just go to God, get your Bible and pray and sit down. No church and therapy does work. If you need therapy and you need God, get it, get both. And so what I learned from being in therapy is you gotta tell the truth, because you can go to therapy and lie I did that too But when you go to therapy, come on now and you regurgitate. Yes, being vulnerable is very hard, but when you go to therapy and you tell the truth to the therapist, you're able to free yourself.
Speaker 1:Wow gotcha.
Speaker 2:Yes, and then you become another person because you've dealt with that trauma, that hurt, that depression, and it's like I have sad moments, but I don't have sad days, i don't have sad opportunities, i don't have sad months, i don't have sad years.
Speaker 1:Shout out to you Tamara.
Speaker 2:So okay, you're 48 years old, Yes, sir, And you live where I live in Washington DC currently, which is the capital Huh.
Speaker 1:Not too far from the capital right.
Speaker 2:Not too far, probably about if I'm a runner, so it would probably take me about 15 minutes to run there, and then the White House, maybe about, maybe about 18 minutes on a good Monday.
Speaker 1:Shout out to DC. So we hear a lot about relationships, tamara. We hear a lot about dating, like where the good men at, where the good woman at. How has it been for you in this culture dating? or, if you are dating, how is it for you?
Speaker 2:Well, i will tell you this, chuck If you're broken, then it's never going to be enough for you. It's never going to be. You're always going to play the blame game. Men aren't good, women aren't good, you know no. So when you're whole, i can tell you it's a whole different experience, because you're going to feel that you're good, and when you're good, you're going to attract good, you're going to attract that person. So you won't have any problems with dating. Now, yes, you're going to have someone that's not going to be your fit, but you're going to be so in love and working on yourself.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because every morning, when I say I approve of myself and God approves of me, i have no worries about who I need to date or who I don't date, because they're always going to be heterosexual, they're always going to be a bad man, but there's always good Tamra. So good Tamra attracts good things.
Speaker 1:Got you. So what are you up to now? Tamra, you sound like you're a good motivator, so what are you up to now?
Speaker 2:I am, i, i call myself a friend, moh, give me five foot, i transform and I motivate people. Number one I was 350 because I had an eating addiction also And we know that we sometimes we get comfort food to get comfort. No, i don't find that anymore. My comfort number one is in him. And number two is I get up and I run, and so long distance for me is saying get your mental right and you'll be fine. And no, i'm not. I don't eat just plants, I eat a variety of things. I'm called the sex, not queen, between my siblings, so I have a range of diets, but my diet is better And I don't emotionally eat. I am a recovery coach in the correctional facility for Montgomery County correctional facilities, so I deal with my peers, which they're inmates, but I call them my peers, returning citizens. So that's what I do Monday through Friday. And I also on social media, via Facebook, instagram and TikTok. You can find me motivating someone on my timeline, praying for someone on my timeline, developing relationships, because I believe I'm a servant leader. So I plan a seed, i'm the farmer, and if you grow, you grow And if you know, you know.
Speaker 1:Got you, so you say you're a correction officer.
Speaker 2:No, I'm not a correction officer. I'm a recovery coach in the correctional facility.
Speaker 1:Okay, what is that?
Speaker 2:about. So I deal with opiate addictions As of right now, my biggest thing in the East Coast Maryland, the DMV areas. I'm finding out that perks with our young folks 35 and under, perkiseth and Fittnall, is one of the greatest things because we're trying to get away from who we are. And then in his increase since COVID. So you might wear a mask, but under that mask what are you putting into your nose? What are you putting into your mouth? What are you smoking? And most of them are finding that perks and Fittnall is the way to go, Is the way to numb their pain.
Speaker 1:That's a strong chemical today. Oh, and people are overdosing from it.
Speaker 2:So what are?
Speaker 1:you experiencing that? What do you see? You know, I know you talk about covering up things, but that's an addiction. If you haven't experienced it, you really don't know how it feels. So what do you see them going through when they're trying to get off of it?
Speaker 2:When they're trying to get off it, when they're trying to get down. What I do is I work with their mind. Anybody that has an addiction, anybody that has a problem in this world, not even outside of addiction, it's mentally. If you want to lose weight, it's mental. If you want to motivate, if you want to start a podcast, like Chuck, it's mental. Yeah, shout out to Chuck. Man, shout out to Chuck. And to say that Chuck is the greatest thing in the world is when your mind say you can and when your mind brings you out of fear, then the addiction is not there. The self-hate, because it comes from self-hate and trauma and the different things that they come to me with when I close that door. It has to start with the mind.
Speaker 1:The mind yeah, In this area, Virginia, it's a lot of that going on, and that's why I wanted you to speak about it. That fit in all you know.
Speaker 2:Because, again. You never know who's listening, who's struggling with it, who wants to come out of it. But it's just so hard because it hurts to, i guess what we call cold turkey.
Speaker 1:To keep the habit, it's hard.
Speaker 2:Okay, then let's start with the mind. What are you working on daily? What are you reading? What are you listening to? What are you watching? Are you watching TV too much? Are you on social media too much? And when you deal with the trauma of the mind, going back to therapy, then the addiction, then it's not the addiction, it's the you part, it's the mental part, it's the what am I working on me daily? Because addiction will come back when you start working on you. Like I said, it's back to you versus you. So what do you want? I see this in intake and I see this in my groups, I see this in my one-on-one. I'm blaming everybody but me. For me, I blamed everybody, I blamed the church, I blamed down to my step-lain.
Speaker 1:Talk about it, yeah.
Speaker 2:I blame, i got blame the weather, and so when I stopped blaming people because I always say timbre's key and I get that from my grandmother calling me timbre and I'm gonna give you a little bit of tea So timbre's key is when I stop blaming family, when I stop blaming God, when I stop blaming the church. My addiction left Alcohol, eating, all of that left And when I started working on my mind and when I stopped looking at for me, i stopped looking at negative things. People say I need the information but you only need to look at the news for 20 minutes because it'll repeat itself. But when I turn that TV off, when I told people that I couldn't talk to them anymore, friends fell off. Talking about people all day fell off. And reading at least 30 minutes a day and journaling when I'm angry and journaling when I'm sad and writing stuff down and speaking what I needed.
Speaker 1:Things change and it all starts in the mind MAKE SHEETING Wow, what a conversation. With a conversation, as I always say, you never know who's listening. Tamara and I believe today You've motivated somebody. You would give somebody some tools to work with to help them to come out of whatever addiction They they're dealing with right now. So I appreciate that absolutely trucking.
Speaker 2:You know what as They listen, mm-hmm. I think that when I get feedback, they motivate me more, because when I can serve, like I do in the correctional facility, i am humble to learn from someone else. I don't care if they've been homeless, right, i don't care HIV or AIDS, or or they cover their face because they say I've lost my teeth. I learn from them more than then they can learn from me, and then I take that and I take that energy that they give me and I take their spirit that they give me and I become a better person. So every day I learn Wow, it's the happiness journey. Yeah, chuck, it's the happiness journey.
Speaker 1:So you got something out on Facebook.
Speaker 2:Talk about that, where you motivate so Usually when I have time, i get on there and I do running reels. Okay so I work. People are like you're actually running and talking. Yes, it's a practice, consistency, and I run with my phone and I do running reels and then I also Give out motivation, or or if there's a word that comes to me, then I put it out there, because I believe my timeline is a spiritual setup for someone that needs me. Got you, and so I'll get on lives and and I'll do things, and because it's a journey, i try to do a while while I'm out there in the open, because it's a journey.
Speaker 1:Life is a journey. life is a journey, yes, it is. That's why I love to have those genuine conversations with genuine people. Like it's so late to share your journey. So absolutely before we go, before we go, is there anybody you want to give a shout out to? before we go?
Speaker 2:Well, number one is, first and foremost, i'm gonna give a shout out to Chuck because he has the greatest podcast in the world, right? And so then I want to give a shout out to God and my family that has created a safe place for me to be here and my timeline, and Everyone that follows me and listen to me and states that I've changed them, but I will always remember that every day, someone else is changing me, as they edify me.
Speaker 1:You want to give out your social media.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. My social media page Facebook is tamar Perry Vance and then my IG account. Instagram account is half a nest and that's ha ppa y underscore in SS, and then my tick tock is to that sir which is my nickname TAD, esa and 93, okay, and and anything else that you need. You could hit me up because Chuck got me.
Speaker 1:Got. You appreciate you. I reached out to you and you responded.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, because we respond to great people.
Speaker 1:Wow, amazing, amazing. Thank you so much, tamer, for being on let's just talk about it podcast, for being my guest today, and I really appreciate you. No, i appreciate you. Yeah, have a wonderful day. You also All right, talk to you soon.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Wow, what an amazing conversation. Shout out to my friend tamer for having this dialogue with me. You know, one of the things she said that really stuck out to me was the fact that everything starts with the mind, and how important it is for Us to fill our minds with the right things, because someone truthfully said, what we put in always Impacts what comes out, and after listening to tamer, you realize now that the way to a happiness journey Begins with changing how we think. As always, thank you so much for tuning into let's just talk about it podcast, and please check out my website. Just Google Let's just talk about it podcast, calm, and then hit that subscribe button to receive all the new episodes every Friday. You can also find me on Facebook. Just type in Chuck LJ Ta I, which means let's just talk about it. So, as always, until next time, don't hold it in, but let's just talk about it. Talk to you soon.
