(Ep.73) When Mothers Hurt...

CHUCK: 0:11

Welcome back to another episode of let's Just Talk About it podcast. I'm your host, chuck, and if you're here for the first time, this platform was created to give genuine people just like you an opportunity to share a portion of your life's journey. So, with that being said, I have Miss Alfrieda Hylton on with me today, who currently lives in Capitol Heights, Maryland, in Prince George's County, and on this episode, she shares with us the hurt that came with seeing her two sons go through the prison system, and also how she uses that pain now for purpose, to encourage other mothers and fathers to stand by their children when incarcerated and after release. So you don't want to miss this inspiring conversation. As a matter of fact, do me a favor Go and grab your husband, your wife, your children, or even call a friend and listening together to my conversation with Ms. Alfrieda on Lets Just Talk About it podcast. Hey, let's jump right in. Welcome back to a brand new episode of Lets Just Talk About it podcast. Thank you so much for your support and always tuning in every Friday for a new episode. Today, I'm grateful and excited to have special guests, Ms. Alfrieda Hylton, on with me today. Welcome to this platform and thank you for being a part of let's Just Talk About it podcast.

Alfrieda Hylton: 1:22

I am so happy to be here. I am honored.

CHUCK: 1:26

Yeah, how you doing today.

Alfrieda Hylton: 1:28

I am doing fantastic. How about you, Chuck?

CHUCK: 1:30

Doing good. Thank you so much for asking.

Alfrieda Hylton: 1:33

Oh, you are so welcome. Absolutely.

CHUCK: 1:35

As always, I love to jump right into my interviews to have those genuine conversations, miss Alfreta, with genuine people like yourself, to share a portion of your life's journey, because you never know who's listening and you may be that voice to help someone else navigate through their life's journey. So, first of all, where are you from?

Alfrieda Hylton: 1:54

I currently live in Capital Heights Merlin in Prince George's County. I was born in Washington DC at Walter Reed Hospital and raised in Delphries, virginia.

CHUCK: 2:03

Wow, delphries, virginia, where is that?

Alfrieda Hylton: 2:05

located, that's near.

CHUCK: 2:06

Woodbridge, virginia. Ok, got you, got you. Never been to either one.

Alfrieda Hylton: 2:12

What about Dale City?

CHUCK: 2:13

Nope never been. OK, I wanted to have you on to have a conversation with you about our young Black men going to prison and the effect that it has not only on them being inside, but also the emotional pain that it causes among the families of the incarcerated. The fathers, the mothers, the brothers, sisters also go through the emotional rollercoaster. You know the court dates, visitation and sentencing dates and, miss Alfrida, you know first hand the effect that it has on a mother because you had two sons, correct, who have been incarcerated. That's correct. So I wanted to talk to you about your experience dealing with that and just maybe some son or daughter who's listening to this episode might understand the pain that it causes the parents. So take us back to that moment when you first learned of your son's incarceration, and how did it make you feel at the time?

Alfrieda Hylton: 3:10

Well, I actually gave birth to four sons, my two oldest sons at the age of 17 and 19, turned to the street life as drug dealers.

CHUCK: 3:19

Got you.

Alfrieda Hylton: 3:19

My sons grew up in the absence of their biological fathers. I remember just like it was yesterday sitting in the courtroom during their trials, and tears start to roll down my eyes. They were convicted and both served across me 16 years behind bars. That was devastating. I blame myself, develop anxiety and fell into a deep depression. I became closed off as something had died inside of me. Wow, losing daily contact with my son was a very hurtful and bad experience. I constantly felt sad, angry, embarrassed and alone. I was even ashamed and afraid to talk about it or trust anyone. Yet this became my reality. Although my sons were behind prison's walls, I sacrificed my time to visit them and send money to continue to show my love and care.

CHUCK: 4:17

Wow, let me ask you this you mentioned that you blamed yourself. Why did you do that? Why did you feel like you blamed yourself for their mistake?

Alfrieda Hylton: 4:27

As their mother, I felt like I failed them in some form or fashion. You try your hardest to save them and you want the best for them.

CHUCK: 4:38

So you said you went into a depression because you feel like you fail in some way in raising them.

Alfrieda Hylton: 4:44

Yes, trying to raise kids on your own sometimes is a struggle, especially boys.

CHUCK: 4:49

Yeah, yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 4:50

So my two younger sons saw the pain that I was going to and they promised me that they would not get caught up and they would make sure that I wouldn't go through that again. So that was a blessing all by itself.

CHUCK: 5:04

So you say you had both of your sons sentenced to 16 years at the same time.

Alfrieda Hylton: 5:11

No One would come in and the other one come out, so it was like a revolving door. But my second son he served 14 consecutive years. The other time that he served it was one or two years in the beginning. So they actually had three sentences.

CHUCK: 5:29

Got you.

Alfrieda Hylton: 5:30

So each time they got more time.

CHUCK: 5:33

So you say you had to do that all by yourself. The father wasn't in the picture.

Alfrieda Hylton: 5:37

No, the father wasn't in the picture. No.

CHUCK: 5:40

That's deep. I think that plays a major role when a man figures not there. I'm not saying that a child wouldn't do nothing wrong, but I'm saying that when the presence of a man is in place, I think it's a little bit better, you think.

Alfrieda Hylton: 5:53

I think so. I think it's hard for a woman to try to raise up boys by herself. So that made it hard all by itself, and plus I didn't have the family support, you know.

CHUCK: 6:07

Did you shut down from the family? Do you think that?

Alfrieda Hylton: 6:10

I shut down because I was in birth, I think even after I had my sons I was ashamed to even let people know that I've met or worked with that I had two older children. I just never mentioned it and I think even right today a lot of people don't know I had four kids.

CHUCK: 6:32

I know for me. I did time in prison and at one point my mom said she felt the same way, that it was kind of embarrassing. And then she realized one day at church that she wasn't the only one who was going through that. And I think that's the thing of when we go through a situation like that, that we feel we're alone and we're the only ones who've been through or going through. But there's a whole lot of people that have sons, daughters incarcerated on drugs and so many other things. But because we worry about what people going to think about us if we say something, we shut down and we know we're hurting on the inside.

Alfrieda Hylton: 7:11

Yeah, that's mainly because people don't understand what a mother goes through. So when you try to explain yourself, they put you down. Then they look at you as being a bad mother, so they don't realize the importance of you needing that support.

CHUCK: 7:30

Got you.

Alfrieda Hylton: 7:31

Instead, they continue to tear you down.

CHUCK: 7:35

So when they're in the courtrooms you had to go to the court dates and all these things that had to been emotionally draining to you to have to experience that all the time.

Alfrieda Hylton: 7:46

Yeah, it was. And the more I reached out and talked to my children, they were in denial of themselves, their own wrongdoings. They pretty much want to keep that a secret from me. One thing for sure they never bought it home. But when you ask them about it they always say Mom, you don't know what you're talking about. We ain't doing that, I say, but you know, I'm your mother.

CHUCK: 8:12

Yeah, yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 8:15

You know, I got to.

CHUCK: 8:16

I feel that, yeah, mothers got that instinct.

Alfrieda Hylton: 8:21

Yeah, for sure.

CHUCK: 8:23

Yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 8:23

I say you ain't fooling me. So, even God would even come to me.

CHUCK: 8:27

Okay, because.

Alfrieda Hylton: 8:29

I am a strong spiritual woman Got you. So he would tell me that they got a year to come clean, or they got 30 days to come clean. And I tell him that, and Lord behold, they ended up in jail. But if they listened and turned and stopped doing what they were doing, they probably wouldn't have went to jail.

CHUCK: 8:50

Wow. So you got the warning and you shared it with them and they didn't listen to it, wow.

Alfrieda Hylton: 8:56

No, they didn't listen. They was so caught up in making that fast money and think that was the livelihood you know. They were influenced and they saw the money look good by their friends. Yeah, and they just continued to go and sell drugs, make that fast money.

CHUCK: 9:15

I got you. Wow they out now, though, right.

Alfrieda Hylton: 9:19

Yeah, they've been out five years now.

CHUCK: 9:21

Wow, shout out to them. Shout out to them, amen for that.

Alfrieda Hylton: 9:25

Wow. I finally got some peace yeah.

CHUCK: 9:30

That's a great segue to them. I'm about to ask you so some parents they feel like they can sleep now because their children are incarcerated. You know what I mean. They know they're in the street doing hustling or whatever. So when they finally get incarcerated they can sleep better because now they know what their child is.

Alfrieda Hylton: 9:50

I say hell to the law you talk about that.

CHUCK: 9:54

Why you say that?

Alfrieda Hylton: 9:57

I say that because do you think putting my son in prison made me sleep?

CHUCK: 10:00

better to make the rest of us safer, but I've heard that, though you know what I mean. I've heard that you know because they knew what they were.

Alfrieda Hylton: 10:08

Yeah, even though you know where they were, it's still more crime inside the jail.

CHUCK: 10:13

So you still got where about? That's the fact too. Yeah, yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 10:18

That's right. So you're scared either way. And then the other thing you know there's more drugs and misuse and death inside of prison.

CHUCK: 10:29

Yeah, nowadays, you're absolutely right. You're absolutely right, I got you.

Alfrieda Hylton: 10:34

So the main thing for me, I just I kept him in my prayers and asked God to protect him while they were in there. Wow, now I can sleep because they're out. Yeah.

CHUCK: 10:45

Absolutely, absolutely.

Alfrieda Hylton: 10:47

Yeah.

CHUCK: 10:48

What would you say to a young man or woman that you see going in that direction? You know, being that you've experienced your children being incarcerated. What would you share with them if you had the opportunity to talk to a young man or woman right now?

Alfrieda Hylton: 11:02

I say incarceration has a significant impact on your parents and your family members. It disrupts your family life Absolutely. You lose a connection to them. Your family and community and regardless of the crime of African Americans spend a lot of time in prison, you know, because the system is discrimination, and long after that they still pay for their debt, even when they come home. You know probation and finding jobs and wraparound services that they need. And no mother should live as though she's doing time because it costs too much stress and anxiety. That's fine. They miss out on celebrating birthday, holidays and other important events, spending time with the kids. You know you rob yourself of your youth and your adulthood?

CHUCK: 11:55

Yes, you do. You miss a lot of time.

Alfrieda Hylton: 11:58

Yeah. So I say stay connected to your family.

CHUCK: 12:01

Yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 12:02

Be respectful, find a new hobby, seek and take advantage of community programs, graduate from school and pursue your dreams, because you have so much to give back Right, the street life is not for you. So don't give this kind of pain to your mother, your father, your sister, your aunts, you know, because they all go through that stress Absolutely.

CHUCK: 12:27

I like what you said. Your family is doing time as well. They're not behind bars, but emotionally they're doing time as well, you know.

Alfrieda Hylton: 12:35

Yes, you are, yeah, and that's more painful than anything.

CHUCK: 12:39

Yeah, like you said, it's more dangerous than it sometimes. So you're worrying about what's going on at a mess with my child. So you're absolutely right.

Alfrieda Hylton: 12:49

Yeah, it's a scary situation and I just tell young people please respect and do as your parents ask you to do, because life is too short. You want to get one, yeah, and it's too beautiful. And too many young people losing their life in the street, especially from gun violence. I feel really sad for those mothers that are losing their children at such an early age Early age yep 15, 16,.

CHUCK: 13:16

you're absolutely right.

Alfrieda Hylton: 13:17

Yeah, so I would love to hear some young folks tell me what they're doing for their future and really reaching out to turn their peers around, because your peer pressure can really be hard for you If you're going through peer pressure and being bullied or whatnot. Talk to somebody, yeah yeah. Don't get on drugs. You know drugs are killing you guys. You know you're overdosing. You're committing suicide because you got so much pressure going on.

CHUCK: 13:44

Yeah, and then like you said, like you said earlier, sometimes we hold a lot in. You know what I mean? We can't trust anybody, right, yeah? So a lot of kids hold a lot of stuff in because they don't have that space to just beat themselves or just share what they're going through.

Alfrieda Hylton: 14:03

Right, and I say parents, you know, really sit down and talk to your children, you know, take a day and have family time just to know how their day is. A lot of times parents brush their children off and they really need to talk to you. You tell them go to your bedroom, go play a game. Kids don't really get to play outside, like it was when I was coming up, so they're confined, so they're going through a whole lot and you need to find out. You know, stay in the school systems, know what they're doing in the schools. You know, attend parent teacher meetings Teachers conference yeah, you know we don't do that as parents and it's really important you push your kids out there to go to school, but make sure they go in there doing the things that they need to do. I remember one of my sons I used to take him to school every day Soon as he go in that door as soon as I leave. Yeah, he didn't skip school.

CHUCK: 14:56

He going out the back door, me, that was me.

Alfrieda Hylton: 15:01

Yeah, yeah. So they pull wool over your eyes, so parents pay attention to that.

CHUCK: 15:07

Yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 15:09

See, we went out the back door.

CHUCK: 15:12

Yeah, yeah, and you're absolutely right. For me, going to school, my dad and my mom played a major part, you know, back then they would call your parents and they actually didn't believe the child like they do now. They believe them. Right, you're absolutely right. Yeah, my mom and dad didn't want to hear nothing. I said they believe the teacher over me. Yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 15:37

That's the same thing I did. I believed the teacher. I said you ain't tell the truth, yeah, yeah. So it's a struggle. I know school. You go to school from pre-K all the way up to 12th grade. But it's necessary to get that education. It makes you knowledgeable and you need that education to grow up into adulthood because it's going to carry you a long way, absolutely.

CHUCK: 16:04

There's a lot of parents out here like experiencing what you went through about incarceration. A lot of our young black men, as we said before, are incarcerated. What advice would you give a parent today who's going through that? They're bottled up and don't know how to get it out.

Alfrieda Hylton: 16:22

I say mothers, it can be hard to deal with all the emotions that go along with having your child in prison. You might not be able to visit very often, but it's important to make sure your child knows you still love them and care about them. And you've got to make sure you look after yourself. You've got to create a self-care routine for your mental health and find someone you can confine in, and I found that very hard for me to do. I say do seek help and support if you're struggling with your mental health. And right now, because my kids were incarcerated, I'm involved with advocacy Advocacy in my state, and the shadow of a mother's heart, when broken into many pieces, is the loudest and the quietest thing inside of you. A mother's pain is an invisible wound that only she can understand. I remain faithful, hopeful and strong even in the darkest of times. So you continue to live that lifelong ache that never goes away. I lift you up in prayer and I want you to know you are on my mind. I can't wait to talk with you. You'll never fall away from my thoughts. You do not have to be alone while you are going through this devastating time. I'm just a text or a phone call away. Feel free to comment on this podcast. It's all you will appreciate.

CHUCK: 17:51

Wow, wow. So you're a part of a group that you know helped mothers out that's going through that.

Alfrieda Hylton: 17:56

Yes, I actually advocate not for mothers but just for returning citizens, trying to get traditional housing and wrap around services and resources that they need when they get out. Because my children would made it hard for them was being on probation. They were tasked to get a job, but once they went to look for a job and they found out they had a record the doors were slammed. So they, you know they ended up going back to the streets because you know they were threatened If they didn't get a job they was going to lock them back up, wow. So you know it was very challenging for them, yeah.

CHUCK: 18:39

Yeah, so your group helps those who are coming out returning citizens.

Alfrieda Hylton: 18:44

Well, actually I started a non-profit my own self last year Talk about that and it's for returning citizens. But right now I'm working with at risk youth ages 10 to 16, to help them. So we have workshops. It's called Everyday Leadership. I have professors come out from Arizona that actually teach the course, so we do it four times a year, okay, and we offer it to them for free. All we ask the parents to do is drop them off and pick them up for safety reasons. So our goal is to offer entrepreneurship to them, college credits and just being there, like just to really get to know them. We don't just want to have you know a workshop and not know the kid, right, you want to build a relationship. Yeah, so we started out as a poly program. It was so well received by the youth that we can continue to have it, so our next one should happen in January.

CHUCK: 19:50

Wow, I like that. I like that. So you were like catching the child before they get to that prison. Yes, yes. Yes, wow, that's the goal Got you. You encourage them and you show them other ways that they can live a better life versus the street. I love it.

Alfrieda Hylton: 20:08

Yeah, see, because a lot of them need to know that there's other people out there that love them and care about them just like they parents do, and they like that. So they get to express themselves, wow, and tell you what's going on inside of them?

CHUCK: 20:26

Is it hard to get them to talk? No, indeed.

Alfrieda Hylton: 20:28

Not at all. How do you do that? Then Talk about that. So, basically, what they do, they do fun activities where they have to talk about it, so they might do a project. How do you start a business? That's good, I like that, yeah, so they we would love to have you.

CHUCK: 20:50

Let's talk about that.

Alfrieda Hylton: 20:52

Yes, yes, so they enjoy it. The parents actually are calling me, asking me when the next one to grow up. So the workshop is usually two days. I try to have it on the weekend so it don't interfere with this school. So it's four hours each day, right? And so we offer them a continental breakfast, we pay for their lunch. At the end they get a certificate, we give them a gift card $25 to $50. And we also give them a gift bag, you know, to let them know how much they appreciate it.

CHUCK: 21:25

Yeah, the reason why I asked you that is it's hard for them to talk because some parents may not be able to get their child to an at-risk group, you know. So I was asking that. So what things can a parent do at home to break the ice? And you pretty much answer that have activities.

Alfrieda Hylton: 21:42

Yes, have fun activities, talk to them. I know when I used to. I used to have one day a week that all of my kids had to gather around the table at Dunnertime where this was the time for the talk. So I would tell them that you tell me what you dislike about what I did to you this week and you know that way we kept each other.

CHUCK: 22:07

Yeah, yeah, you know so you know what was on their minds.

Alfrieda Hylton: 22:11

Yeah, so that's another way to get them to talk, because you're letting them tell you what they dislike about you and what they did, like you know, within that week.

CHUCK: 22:25

So as you gotta listen, right, and you gotta listen.

Alfrieda Hylton: 22:29

Yeah, you really gotta listen. And we did Bible study too. We might pray, you know that, one day a week, and we talk about that scripture as well.

CHUCK: 22:41

I love it.

Alfrieda Hylton: 22:42

So I raised them up in the church, right Right, because that's how I was raised up.

CHUCK: 22:46

Yeah yeah, absolutely. Wow, that's an amazing conversation because to give activities or do some things with the children to break the ice, to get them to open up, you know, and share, because a lot of suicide is going on amongst the youth. They're taking it on lives, you know, due to, I guess, holding a lot of stuff in.

Alfrieda Hylton: 23:06

Yeah, that's because the parents don't take the time to talk to them. You know, even if you play a card game Uno or Monopoly, you know. You see how happy they are just by having some fun together.

CHUCK: 23:22

I like that. Communication is key. I love it. Yes it is yeah. So let me ask you this we always talking about mothers going through with their child dealing with incarceration. I want to speak about the daddies, the fathers. Do you see a lot of fathers that you know that are standing with their children, or do you see more mothers?

Alfrieda Hylton: 23:43

I see more mothers because the father the first thing they do is they want to kick them out. You know they don't try to figure out why they do certain things. You know they don't just be there. A lot of fathers don't even show up in school. They don't go to their games if they're playing sports. And sons need that so much, they need the father figure in their life so much. It's like one of my sons told me say, mom, I don't know how to be a father because I never had a father figure in my life. Wow, and I told him well, there's other older men out here. Find you a mentor and they can teach you some things that I can't teach you. And so that's what my younger sons end up doing they Find an older man to a younger guy. Yeah, and one became their godfather. Amazing and took him under wing, so you know that helped. Kept him grounded.

CHUCK: 24:41

Got you. Speak to the men on this podcast. Speak to the fathers. What would you say to one right now, if you have a room for the?

Alfrieda Hylton: 24:49

gaddys. You know I'm saying even for me. I grew up with not having my father in my life because he fought war, most of his time was away from the home and my mother had nine kids Can you imagine that Trying to raise us? But we had our grandmothers in our life and then, you know, the neighbors and everybody else helped out too. But the importance of having a father in their life is they need to know how to be men.

CHUCK: 25:23

Got you.

Alfrieda Hylton: 25:24

And when they don't have that guidance and being taught, they don't know how to love Got you. You know. So that's why a lot of them are abusive. They don't know how to be responsible, so they need to know these things to survive, and without that in their life they end up going the wrong way, because they are craving for having their father Leadership.

CHUCK: 25:48

Leadership.

Alfrieda Hylton: 25:49

Yeah. So it's important that you take a standard and mothers. One thing I want to say about your mother stop keeping the men from seeing their children, you know, because of your anger towards them. The kids are the ones that suffering because of what you're sending them through.

CHUCK: 26:10

That's deep.

Alfrieda Hylton: 26:10

It's not fair to them. So let men be men. It's not always about the money, it's about the time that you spend with them. Women are so caught up in child support, so I feel like, to me, having that father in that child's life is so important. It's the time because that child is going to remember all of that, yeah, all the time that they spent with their father. Yeah, you know those memories. Those memories are so important, yeah, so it's like a generational curse beyond yeah.

CHUCK: 26:45

And that's why we got to break it you know, you never know who's listening, and I want to talk to some father, some man and tell you you're amazing. There's so much talent, gifts on the inside of you. You know that's waiting to come out and the world needs what you have. Young men need what you have. You know what I'm saying, so yeah, yeah, yes, yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 27:07

I'm here for them to you know, because it's not about tearing each other down, it's about building each other Absolutely. It's all about making a difference in the lives of the people that we should make a difference.

CHUCK: 27:20

Absolutely Building people up. I like that. Yeah, this is a great conversation. Great conversation, miss Elfrida, there anything you want to just leave with the listening audience before we go? You've dropped so many great Jews on us today. Is there anything else you want to share?

Alfrieda Hylton: 27:37

The main thing I like to share is you know, reach out, leave a message on the park, cast If you need some further conversations, I'm here to support you and have a listener ear.

CHUCK: 27:51

Yeah.

Alfrieda Hylton: 27:52

And thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of this conversation. Absolutely, I'm looking forward to doing it another time.

CHUCK: 28:00

I got one more question for you. What would you say from the heart to your four boys right now?

Alfrieda Hylton: 28:06

That I love them dearly and I want the best for them and I want them to continue to be the best that they can be. Shout out to them, shout out to your boys I love you.

CHUCK: 28:19

Miss Elfrida, thank you so much for being a part of let's Just Talk About it podcast. I really appreciate you being on.

Alfrieda Hylton: 28:26

I appreciate you too?

CHUCK: 28:27

Yeah, I enjoyed you. Thank you so much and talk to you soon.

Alfrieda Hylton: 28:31

Likewise, have a good evening.

CHUCK: 28:34

Wow, what an amazing conversation. Shout out to my friend, miss Elfrida, for having this dialogue with me. You know a lot of mothers and fathers are experiencing the hurt of seeing their children sentenced to prison for a long time, because not only does the sentence affect the person doing the time, but it also affects the whole family. And if you're listening to this episode and you have a son or daughter who's incarcerated, don't be ashamed, because you're not alone, that there are other parents out here, like Miss Elfrida, who can help you along your journey. So don't give up. And shout out to you, miss Elfrida, for sharing your journey, as always. Thank you so much for tuning in to let's Just Talk About it podcast and please check out my website. Just Google let's Just Talk About it podcastcom and then hit that subscribe button to receive all the new episodes every Friday. You can also find me on Facebook. Just type in Chuck L J T A I, which means let's Just Talk About it. So, as always, until next time, don't hold it in, but let's just talk about it. Talk to you soon.