Transcript
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hey listeners, thank you so much for tuning in to let's just talk about it podcast and for making this platform a part of your weekly listening pleasure.
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I'm your host, chuck, and if this is your very first time here, this platform was created to give genuine people just like you an opportunity to share a portion of your life's journey.
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So, with that being said, I have a very special guest on with me today Miss Victoria Hardy, the author of the book the Love Correction 12 Tools to Overcoming Trauma, and on this episode, she talks about her own traumatic experience growing up in Norfolk, virginia, and also how she's using those 12 tools written in her book to overcome that trauma so that she could be the person that she was created to be.
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So, without further delay, do me a favor go and grab your husband, your wife, your children, or even call your friend and listen in together to my conversation with Miss Victoria Hardy on let's Just Talk About it.
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Hey, let's jump right in on let's Just Talk About it.
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Hey, let's jump right in.
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Today I have Victoria Hardy on with me today, the author of the book the Love Correction.
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So, first of all, victoria, thank you so much for being a part of this episode on.
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Let's Just Talk About it.
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I really appreciate it.
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Thank you so much for the invitation, Chuck.
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I appreciate you as well.
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Absolutely so.
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How are you doing today?
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I'm doing amazing.
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It's a beautiful day.
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You know miracles and wonders are happening, so I am excited, Okay.
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Absolutely, absolutely.
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As always, I love to jump right into my interviews, victoria, to have those genuine conversations with genuine people just like yourself, to share a portion of your life's journey.
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So, with that being said, where are you from?
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born and raised in hampton roads, norfolk, virginia, graduated from matthew fontaine maury high school wow, what part of norfolk you from valentine okay, valentine, all right, shout out to valentine shout out to val, shout out to Valentine.
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Shoot Paul Valentine, yeah, or Vista Avenue, yeah.
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Wow, wow.
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Victoria, I believe that everybody you know has their own unique experience about growing up.
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So what was yours like growing up in Norfolk?
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Well, in Norfolk, I was raised by my parents, who are still married to this day, have been together for maybe about 40 years.
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I have three siblings all older than me.
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I'm the baby of four.
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So, um yeah, growing up I was surrounded by family.
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I was surrounded by church.
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I was raised in a very religious home a faith-based home.
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Yes, both my parents and my mother still attends the same church I was born and raised in literally so being in that household, having that religious background, going to church.
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How was that like for you?
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Because I know some people they grew up restricted, they couldn't do a lot of things, so how was that for you?
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Well, for me it was unique in that I did experience a lot, Like my mom she did a lot for the church and my dad he worked a lot.
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So, but we were very active in the church and in ministry and a lot of people think that because you go to church and that you have faith in God, or that you were raised with spiritual and biblical principles, that you don't have experiences that are not like unto that Right, I hear you.
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So you have this book out right now, called the Love Correction 12 Tools to Overcoming Trauma.
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Amazing book.
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So what happened in your?
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life that brought you to that place where, Victoria, you decided I wanted to write a book.
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Well, to start it off, like I said, being raised by parents who love Jesus, who love the Lord, my mom, she was very helpful to the community and to her siblings, and trauma for me started at age six.
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So At age six I was molested by my cousin.
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You know, always going over to my auntie's house and things like that and not knowing that generational curses number one are very, very real.
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So ancestry and, you know, molestation was something that I didn't know up until I was an adult.
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That was a generational curse on my mother's side and bloodline adult, that was a generational curse on my mother's side and bloodline.
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And so, yeah, that is what inspired me to write the book, because I got tired of the cycles of my life and seeing the same patterns.
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I was a very inquisitive child.
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I always, even though we were in church, I was that one child that always wanted to know why.
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And it was to my benefit, because now I am a generational curse breaker for my bloodline and for many others.
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That's what inspired me to be transparent about my traumas, about, um, the different experiences that I had, even with God, in my life.
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So, yeah, wow, so it brought you to that place to write the book the Love Correction.
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So when you talk about trauma, share with me what is that for you, Because so many people talk about trauma today.
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What is trauma to you?
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Okay.
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So I'm so glad you asked that question and that was something that I was like man.
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You know I recently had an interview on the news and they asked that question.
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And you know I recently had an interview on the news and they asked that question.
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Trauma can be spiritual, it can be emotional, it can be physical, it can be psychological.
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You know, just like any form of abuse, there is not just one way of how it may look and it's different for each person.
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So experiencing trauma alters your central nervous system and how you respond to social encounters and life in general.
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You know.
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So, like um, people suffer with social and relational anxiety, and you know acknowledging your triggers from trauma.
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After the fact, you know trauma looks different for everybody, but for me, that's my simple definition of what trauma is Anything that's happened throughout your life that completely alters the way you perceive life.
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Wow, so you talked about emotional abuse, psychological abuse.
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How does that look to you?
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Yeah, emotional abuse, psychological abuse.
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So not only did my cousin molest me at six, but probably up until the age of in my teenage or close to teenage years, I started to experience that same effect, being brought into my brother's room at night when everyone was asleep.
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And these are things that, literally, they are patterns in our lives and in our communities, in our households, that nobody is willing to share about, because it's first of all embarrassing and it may be humiliating.
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However, covered wounds don't heal.
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And that's a factor in my book where you know, even if you cut your hands, that wound, you got to expose it to the air for it to close.
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Yeah, you want to put a bandaid on it to keep it safe from getting dirty or from anything getting inside of it to be infected, but in order for it to fully heal, you have to allow the air and the natural it's natural um to take its natural course to get to that place of closing up.
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Yeah, so that ripping off the band-aid it this book literally is like exposing so that the healing can begin and take course, um, so yeah, that's it wow.
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So that's a great segue into this next question.
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So in a person dealing with that type of trauma.
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Do they?
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Do they ever get to a place where you say I'm better or I'm healed right now, because there's a such thing as post-traumatic stress right when you have those triggers?
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So talk to me about that.
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Do you ever like?
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Can you ever get to that place where you say I'm good, or is it an ongoing thing?
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So that is actually the title of my book is the Love Correction 12 Tools to Overcoming Trauma, because I literally, from chapter to chapter, share different tools and tactics that you can use, practical things, practical applications that you can use throughout your daily life.
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Because, no, it is not something you know that is easy to do.
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You know it's a process, just like any other thing.
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It's a process to overcome your trauma.
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So I'll just share a few vital things that are necessary in overcoming your trauma and you said it triggers.
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You have to that's a chapter in my book.
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You have to know how to recognize those triggers and after you recognize them, you have to set healthy boundaries, like, uh, one of the greatest ways or the most important thing in overcoming trauma is forgiveness and you have to learn how to forgive quickly.
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You have to forgive quickly because if not, it settles in and then you begin to harbor bitterness and bitterness then exposes so many other negative emotions in your psyche, in your body.
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You know it begins to manifest in your body, after it's in your psychological.
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So that is very important recognizing your triggers and then giving yourself a way out.
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You have to know OK, for example, example, if someone gets within 10 feet of me or within five feet of me, and their hands are raised.
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That triggers me to be on defense if you are aware of that you can then combat that.
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You can say, okay, I see someone coming toward me, let me turn a certain way or let me speak out loud, so that I'm acknowledging the fact, I'm being triggered, and then making that person also aware.
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And we, you know, alternate, create an alternative, especially if it's someone you love.
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Um, I've had to set healthy boundaries.
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I'm I'm really extreme when it comes to boundaries.
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I've had to learn that because, um, you know that saying that givers, givers don't have limits, neither do takers.
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You know that saying that givers don't have limits, neither do takers.
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You know a person who just gives and gives and gives Never has a limit.
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Yeah, and a person that takes will continue taking.
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So you kind of just have to be honest and transparent about your needs.
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When you've experienced trauma, you have to be honest.
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So yeah, Wow, you talked about forgiveness.
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That's big yes, because you say when you don't forgive, you hold it in, you harbor it, and it can become bitterness that you could, you could possibly walk around in anger all the time if you hold yeah, if you hold something in like that.
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So how, how is that?
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How does that look for you when you talk about forgiveness?
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Because you can say I forgive you, but you still, you still remember that, that pain.
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So it's like, how does that look for you in terms of that?
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You know, is that hard for you to say OK, I forgive you and it is just gone, or does it like keep coming up in your mind like you're mad again?
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Well see, that's the thing with forgiveness, it's, it's.
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They say, forgive and forget, but you never really forget, you really never forget but that's knowing that you're not desensitized, you know.
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That's the reminder that you still have a heart.
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For me it's all about perspective, right?
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So if I know that someone's done something to me in these boundaries, I put in place so that I'm so serious when I tell you boundaries are like one of the most important things in overcoming trauma and forgiving people, because someone who's wronged me, if I set boundaries with them, the next time that I see them my heart is not still impacted in the same way it was when they left me.
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You know so, when the way we left things, they're not the same anymore because I've established those boundaries that have kept me safe and they've also kept you in a place that your integrity with me is good, you know.
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So that's the major and number one in maintaining a pure heart, and a pure and a genuine heart.
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Trauma also makes you sometimes very vulnerable.
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So for me it can do one or the other.
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Either you can be that person who harbors it, harbors it and harbors it, or you can be empathetic with people who cause you trauma, and that was me.
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So that's how forgiveness looks for me, because I'm an empathetic person and I always look at it like this person may have done this to me, but why?
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Why did they do what they did?
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to cause me trauma.
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Yeah, so obviously there was something that happened in their life that made them do or behave in such a way that caused me the trauma.
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So I should empathize with them and then forgive, because that may be the thing that they need in order to change their whole entire mind.
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You know what I mean.
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So, yeah, wow.
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So what was that defining moment for you where you decided that's enough.
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It ends right here.
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Well, I think it started after my divorce because, like I said, the patterns and the cycles.
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So I was an infidel in my marriage, not because I desired to, but because, like I said, it was a generational curse.
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The infidelity was a generational curse on my father's side.
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So, because of my faith and my love for God, I confessed to my husband that I had cheated on him and that these things had occurred.
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There was no way I was going back to that bondage again, right, there's nothing worse than having to lie and having to cover up and be someone that you really are not, um, in order to maintain this image of yourself, right?
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So I got tired of it and I said no more, never again, I'll ever, I'll never be that person again.
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So I changed, I did, I mean literally, I fought tooth and nail but to get to the woman I am today, I did not go back to my vomit, in which the word of God speaks of how, like a dog returns to his vomit.
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I did not return to those same things again.
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Now, I made some new mistakes and I had to overcome some new things.
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But going back to the liar that I was and you know the insecure person that I was, I said enough is enough.
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Now, once I became an adult, I realized that I did not know my worth and my value as a woman and as a person.
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Right, so probably my I'm 36 now.
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So once I got to my later 20s and my early 30s, I said enough is enough.
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There is no validation that I need from anyone other than God.
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So, realizing that my validations can't even come from my parents, they have to come from a place inside of me that knows that I'm enough.
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And once I realized that can't nobody stop me now, can't nobody stop you.
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I have my D, you know, I'm a human for real, I'm a human being Right.
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But as far as me, being honest and transparent about what I need and what I demand and expect at this place in my life, there is nothing I won't do to protect who I am in God and who he's created me to be.
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Wow, amazing.
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So if you were to run into somebody today, right, and they remind you of yourself, what would you share with them to help them out in terms of dealing with trauma?
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Well, one of the main things that I would tell them is you have to renew your mind.
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Like your subconscious mind is, is is what manifests your realities.
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Okay, so the word of god says be transformed by the renewing of your mind, and it's a real thing that's a real thing.
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You have to renew your mind.
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The foundation of your thoughts is where your realities reside.
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Okay, so you must renew your mind like anybody.
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I would encourage them to feed themselves positivity and be desperate, desperate about their recovery.
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Be desperate like by any means necessary.
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Do whatever it takes to see your life in a different place than you've ever seen it before right.
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Wow, wow.
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A lot of people deal with with rejection today because of trauma, like they feel like they're not good enough, but you said you have to change your mind.
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And not good enough, but you said you have to change your mind.
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And not only that.
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I believe you have to surround yourself, victoria, with the right people, because sometimes you just don't have the energy because we're human to see ourselves as better.
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So it's good to have people around you that have your best interests at heart, that when you have those bad days, you have somebody in your corner that can lift you up.
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I definitely agree.
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I definitely agree.
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And having those right people really begins with you, because you know that saying that you attract who you are, yeah, yeah.
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So if you, if you're in this place of low thinking and low being and low living, you'll continue to attract people who feed that part of you, feed your insecurities, feed all those negative emotions.
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I know throughout my life I've not even had the emotional capacity to maintain healthy relationships because of the trauma that I experienced.
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Every single healthy relationship ended up repeating the cycle of the last situation.
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So, yeah, like embracing and remaining open to having those true, genuinely healthy relationships.
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Amazing.
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So, victoria, if you could go back right now to talk to the younger version, that six-year-old version of Victoria, what would you say to her to inspire her?
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Wow, that's a good question.
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There's so many things come to mind.
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I would say never stop trying to tell what happened to you and know that your value doesn't depreciate because someone else doesn't see your worth.
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Because, to be honest, if my mother would have believed me or if I would have felt confident enough to tell someone else, I probably could have stopped this cycle way before now.
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You know, even with that happening to me, still telling myself, you don't have to let it keep happening, because you're valuable, wow.
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So many people going I'm learning that are going through abuse right now physical or emotional, psychological, even as a young child, and you just think about it.
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They have to go to school and hold all of this in.
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You know what?
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I mean In a classroom and sit there and think about what they went through last night, and then they have to go home to the same thing.
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That has to be hard.
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So do you remember what was in your mind at six years old?
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Hard?
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So do you remember what was in your mind at six years old?
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that's a lot to hold, you know, and nobody believes you, and uh, you have to go back to that same environment.
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Do you remember, like things that will go through your mind, that you have to go back home or deal with the same thing over again?
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to be honest, at that age I think it was fight or flight.
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You, you know, I was.
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That was the seed of rejection that was planted in my heart and in my mind, Because then, of course, after that happening, you feel compromised, you know.
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So all of my development began to be altered at that point because my perception of love and of relationship and how I should feel, or you know when it, when it relates, when it comes to relationship or connection, it was altered from that experience.
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So there's really, I would you know, any child, any adult or parent, first of all, I would say, if your child has ever said anything to you, even that someone looked at them in the wrong way, immediately address it.
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Even if they are a child with the most vivid imagination in the world, there is something that they are crying out for and they need, Even if it's something that they made up in their minds.
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It's something that they need, and sometimes we need Jesus and counseling.
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We need Jesus and counseling and that's something that people who are religious, very religious, and they just go to church and put the Bible on everything, God gave us a mind for a reason.
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And these people who are doctors, they went to school to study why we do what we do and why we feel what we feel after this and before that.
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So you know, seek counsel for your children and, as adults, when you have to seek counseling for your child, you yourself need counseling.
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Yeah, you know.
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So that is, seeking medical attention is not something especially in our Black community, especially since COVID Right that we are.
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A lot of us are realizing now that we need, but it was not something that's been most popular in our throughout generations.
00:20:24.201 --> 00:20:27.348
You know to seek counseling Right.
00:20:28.310 --> 00:20:36.944
I think the pandemic kind of pulled the lid off the can when it comes down to things we've hidden in the past.
00:20:36.944 --> 00:20:45.198
The pandemic kind of exposed it, because we were in the house together, we didn't get out, so we had to deal with our personal issues.
00:20:45.198 --> 00:20:48.234
Absolutely, wow, that's certainly true.
00:20:48.234 --> 00:20:50.458
So what are you up to now?
00:20:50.458 --> 00:20:51.816
What do you have going on?
00:20:52.191 --> 00:21:00.085
So I'm currently looking forward to touring, relocating, many new doors opening.
00:21:00.085 --> 00:21:12.444
I'm looking forward to my book going across the nations and helping people and opening up their perspective as it relates to trauma.
00:21:12.444 --> 00:21:25.459
Yes and just, I'm just really hoping that by this obedient step of me taking this, this launch into transparency, that it provokes other people to do the same.
00:21:25.459 --> 00:21:30.278
So that's what I'm looking forward to Just all things new, all things Wow.
00:21:30.278 --> 00:21:34.240
Yes, and I'm also in the process of completing my second book.
00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:36.233
So, excited about that.
00:21:36.614 --> 00:21:38.397
Wow, Second book, Okay, Okay.
00:21:38.397 --> 00:21:43.759
So do you have any social media that people can get in contact with?
00:21:43.759 --> 00:21:50.864
So if they want this book about trauma you know the love correction how could they get in contact with you to get your book?
00:21:51.789 --> 00:21:54.980
Okay, so my Facebook is Victoria Hardy.
00:21:54.980 --> 00:21:57.267
Just like it sounds, h A R D Y.
00:21:57.267 --> 00:21:59.211
Victoria is spelled like queen Victoria.
00:21:59.211 --> 00:22:07.242
My Instagram is at one, the number Victoria's I O U S love so V?
00:22:07.242 --> 00:22:10.815
I C T O R I O U S L O V.
00:22:10.815 --> 00:22:22.170
That's on Instagram, and my website, where you can purchase anything that I sell from Love Solid Foundation, is lovesolidfoundationcom.
00:22:23.250 --> 00:22:23.833
Victoria.
00:22:23.833 --> 00:22:27.205
One last question, Well, maybe two more.
00:22:27.205 --> 00:22:34.502
Yes, sir, Before we go how are your children affected by your trauma, by what you've dealt with in your past?
00:22:35.049 --> 00:22:38.640
Well, so I only have one son, and he's 14 years old.
00:22:38.800 --> 00:22:38.961
Okay.
00:22:39.450 --> 00:22:55.455
But honestly, my son was super affected because when you experience trauma, especially as an adolescent, you fear it, for your own child Got you and you know how that saying that says sometimes your greatest fears become your realities.
00:22:55.455 --> 00:23:00.490
So my son had to experience that same cycle of trauma as a child.
00:23:00.490 --> 00:23:10.656
Of course, not to the degree that I did, because from from the time he was able to talk and recognize this is your private area I would share with him.
00:23:10.656 --> 00:23:14.352
I don't care if mommy or daddy touches you in the wrong way.
00:23:14.352 --> 00:23:18.162
You tell the other mommy or you know, you tell the opposite parent.
00:23:18.162 --> 00:23:32.343
So, um, but yeah, my son has also had to see me go through the cycles and the challenges that I speak about in my book and from that you know we've had to.
00:23:32.502 --> 00:23:38.876
I'm grateful to have a very open relationship and communication with my son.
00:23:38.876 --> 00:23:50.611
So I'm grateful for that because he's able to share with me, um, things that do affect him and that have bothered him or whatever the case may be.
00:23:50.611 --> 00:24:05.039
So it's affected him socially in that you know he he's very protective, he's very um, and it's affected him in a positive way because, also because my son is very loving and he's very concerned about others.
00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:13.201
He's very empathetic as it relates to other people who are who are being mistreatedreated like my son is just an amazing kid.
00:24:13.201 --> 00:24:15.403
Yes, I love him.
00:24:15.403 --> 00:24:16.892
I'm so grateful for him.
00:24:16.892 --> 00:24:22.951
So, yeah, trauma trauma can can affect you and your children in a negative and a positive way.
